My Inadequacies According to GroupOn & LivingSocial

I don’t need a mirror… I feel GroupOn and LivingSocial (and every other bargain app) tell me everything I need to know…

  • I’m a hairy beast – According to GroupOn and LivingSocial, I’m in DESPERATE needs of laser hair removal. At least every other day I am receiving an offer for an unbelievable deal to undo myself from my apparent Sasquatch-like state…
  • I’m an extremely overweight hairy beast – So what method shall it be? A ton of B-12 shots? Meal planning? A personalized weight loss plan via a clinic?
  • I’m a physically unfit extremely overweight hairy beast – Let’s combat this horrible condition. We can pick a month of yoga classes. A membership deal at the local CrossFit gym (one on practically every corner now).  Outdoor boot camp classes. Spinning! Oh… The choices are endless for this slug.
  • I’m a stressed physically unfit extremely overweight hairy beast – ABC spa has a massage deal! DEF Chiropractor has a massage deal! GHI personal masseuse has a massage deal! JKL Wellness Clinic has a massage deal!
  • I’m an ashy-faced stressed physically unfit extremely overweight hairy beast – I can choose from a chemical peel, citrus peel, invigorating facial, rejuvenating facial, and overall face-fixer-upper facial…
  • I’m a defenseless ashy-faced stressed physically unfit extremely overweight hairy beast – Time to fire off the weapons! 4 hours at the shooting range… After my beginners training class, of course.
  • I’m a constipated defenseless ashy-faced stressed physically unfit extremely overweight hairy beast – Two words: Colonic Hydrotherapy.

It gets a bit annoying to see an email from the bargain sites/apps several times a day… It gets MORE annoying that the featured items always tend to be the same things! I’m up for some VARIETY! Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE some of the deals! (Especially the JiffyLube ones!) And I have purchased deals from these sites… But one can only see so many deals for Botox before you begin to dismiss the emails completed and hitting the delete button before even reading the contents.

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