I’m 31 & Terrified of Having Kids

With my first wedding anniversary just days away, the same question is getting asked exponentially more often…

“So when are you going to have kids?”

My husband is ready. He’s BEEN ready. Heck, he was ready even before we got married. He’s always loved being the “cool uncle” and is GREAT with kids in general. I have no hesitation when I say, I know he will be an amazing father. A few years ago he had a serious case of baby fever. He would randomly send me pictures of cute babies throughout the day. I know that he is absolutely ready for a little miniature version of himself and to finally be called ‘Daddy.’

I’m 31.

I’m not ready.

I’m TERRIFIED.

I’m not talking about just a small fear of the unknown. I become paralyzed with fear when the train wreck of what-ifs start invading in my mind. I keep thinking about work, taking maternity leave and how that will affect my career plans. I’m at a crucial point in my career and I don’t want my plans to be derailed. I fear that for those few weeks that I am off work, changes will be made, or my supervisors will decide that I am no longer needed or that I don’t contribute as much to the organization as I feel I do. I know these are my own insecurities, but they make me very uneasy.

I understand that by law, my job is protected for 12 weeks. This is the Family Medical Leave Act; however, this only applies to the terms and conditions of your employment. Your employer may place you in a different role if it is considered “equivalent” to your role prior to your leave. Here is a link where you can find more information.

The fear magnifies when I consider planning and caring for a child.

I constantly fret over the cost. Let’s face it. Babies are expensive. It does not help that child care in the United States is extremely expensive. I look at our budget and wonder how we will fit in child care, diapers, food, medical costs, etc…

Millions of financial questions start rushing through my mind… How will I afford the furniture, car seats, playpens, rocker, etc…? How will I afford boxes and boxes of diapers? What if I can’t breastfeed? Formula is so expensive, how will I pay for it? What if I can’t afford the daycares that I find suitable? How can I afford to be on maternity leave with no income?

Pregnancy. I don’t think I’m so terrified about that. I have seen my sister and my friends go through their pregnancies and I have learned a little bit from each one of them. I know that there are risks with every pregnancy and every woman’s experience is different. I know that I will have to take care of myself and make many health changes to make sure I am doing the best for unborn child… But what if that is not enough?

And now… The Selfishness.

I’ll be honest. I feel horribly guilty because I keep wondering “what about me?”… Will I have time to myself? Will I be waking up multiple times every single night? Will I have any time to myself? Will I be able to have a few quiet minutes to read a book? How much help will my husband give? Will I be overwhelmed taking care of a baby while my husband is at work? How will this affect my body? I’m not healthy enough, what changes do I need to make?

Then I start feeling or anticipating inadequacy. What if I’m not a good mom? What if I lose my patience? Can I still be a good wife? How will I still be able to juggle cooking, cleaning, and maintaining the house? What if I have a breakdown?

Pure anxiety.

The anxiety is crippling, and honestly, prevents me from making any plans to start a family. Now, when anyone asks, I just say that my husband and I are looking forward to celebrating our first anniversary and will “consider” it for next year.

I’m just buying time.

As more time passes, the more I feel as if I am not being a good wife or woman.  I feel that I should be excited about starting a family. And as of right now, I can’t even have a conversation about it, let alone begin planning for one. The conversations set off my insecurities and the downward spiral pattern of my thoughts. When I start getting asked the questions, I just deflect the conversation elsewhere.

I’m too scared.

Help.

If you, like me, are looking to see if anyone out there shares your fear, please comment below. Let us support each other, and know that we are not alone…

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Last 29 of 29: One Week Left…

In one week I will be turning 30.

Whoa.

Thinking it. Saying it. Writing it. When I do either of those things and realize that I turn 30 in one week, I am no longer “fearful” of the day. Turning 30 is going to be an amazing milestone for me.

I decided to dedicate the last 29 of my 29 to making the BEST of my time. Celebrating life. Doing big things!

In the last 22 days I have had an AMAZING engagement party thanks to those nearest and dearest to me. I started the journey of house hunting with my fiance. I have spent quality time with him and we have learned to cope with the stress together. I have spent time with my sister (as I will again this weekend) as she prepares to become a first time mommy. I have spent time with my brother and his beautiful family. I wish I saw them more often. I have worked hard in my career and started making future plans for growth. I have been reading books again! A passion that I have which I spent months without doing. I have BIG PLANS and goals for health and fitness that I plan on sharing. I also returned to volunteering my time with a program that is very special to me.

It all hasn’t been sunshine and carefree living. Not at all. I have been under an incredible amount of stress. Some days I handle it pretty well. Other days I feel as if I am on the verge on an anxiety attack. My days are PACKED with tasks, meetings, places to go, things to do. On days that I have a bit of free time I find myself firmly attached to my bed.

Yet, I make sure to open my eyes and appreciate where I am in my life right now. I am in a transitional period where I am preparing myself for what most call “settling down”. I am looking for a house in a community I can be a part of, and making that house a home with my fiance.

Turning 30 is my induction into my “grown up” life. Turning 30 is realizing that a lot of the dreams/goals I had in my 20’s will be coming to fruition. Turning 30 means that I have more control and impact on my life than ever before. I am so excited about what is to come.

I’m ready for 30.

Project Last 29 of 29… Recap of Days 28-26 To Go…

Here I am on a Monday recapping a great weekend! I keep counting down the days until my 30th birthday and I am seeing the AMAZING and POSITIVE things that are happening to me daily!

Here is a summary of just some of those amazing things…

Angie - Kitchenaid

28 Days To Go
This day was filled with a work triumph and a wonderful gift. I had an incredibly stressful day at work and the stress was focused on one account in particular. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to come through with a quote for the account, but with TWO minutes left in the day the quote came in. I left ecstatic!
As soon as I pulled into the driveway at home UPS was ROLLING engagement gifts into my doorway. As you will see from the photo above I was in LOVE with my Kitchenaid Stand Mixer. My mother has one and I have repeatedly said that when I moved out I would miss her Kitchenaid mixer and double ovens the most!
27 Days To Go
Two words: HOUSE HUNTING.
Saturday was a dream come true. Literally. I have always dreamt of being a homeowner, and I have spent MONTHS trying to get myself in a financial position to become one. Saturday just showed that with hard work my fiance and I can do anything. We learned a LOT on our house hunt and are looking forward to the search!

26 Days To Go
With 26 days left until my 30th birthday I spent the day running errands, taking care of my “to-do” list, and spending a bit of time with family. It was a busier Sunday than I anticipated and I ended up going to bed HOURS later than I had wanted to… Yet, this day felt like a success. It was a great feeling to see so many things checked off of my list.